Uptick in Retirements and Outsourcing Employment

You may or may not have noticed, but there has been a sharp uptick in the number of people electing to retire (in addition to all those ‘disappearing’ for other reasons). I would recommend everyone take cover in June because the stampede of people retiring may be somewhat akin to the buffalo thundering over the Great Plains. 

It’s gotten the point where it would be easier if Campus Weekly just printed a list of people who were still employed by UNCG.

The most recent person, but certainly not the last, that I have heard about is the director of undergraduate admissions. She’ll be leaving in June – seems like Bryan Terry’s aggressive charm may have been too much. Dr. Terry has terrorized his employees so much that even off the record, they are reluctant to talk about it. I can see why they would be less than enthusiastic about the possibility of turning to human resources for assistance…

What kind of impact has his presence had on enrollment? It’s hard to say, I’m sure there are some specifically worded questions that could be cagily answered that would address that. I do know that staff enrollment is declining – maybe we need a vice chancellor for employment enrollment. Oh, wait. Isn’t that what human resources was supposed to be? Fudge.

Here are some suggestions for administration on how to stanch the flow of faculty and staff to other institutions:

1. Tag and release. Implant a microchip in the back of the neck of each person working at UNCG. Then, when they ‘retire’ or ‘move on to better opportunities’ or ‘escape in the night taking all of their belongings with no notice’ we can learn where they are and send game trackers to bring them back to the flock.

2. Dogs. It works with sheep, plus we can have a vice chancellor of canines then.

3. Fencing. No, not the kind with swords, the kind with chain link, about 12’ high. Too bad we already built that tunnel under the tracks, so we’ll have to barricade that now as well. Set up a couple of check points, give the employees passports and make them check in. Of course, we’ll have to confiscate all 13’ ladders.

4. Leash laws. All employees found off leash will be subject to a fine.

5. Incentives. No, never mind, that one’s just crazy.

No matter. We’ll just outsource everything – we’ll become the first ever residential college with a solely online presence.