SuperChancellor and The Zink Take On: Timmy or Something (Episode 420,092b)

(crowd gathers and then begins pointing upwards and murmuring. Finally, a little boy yells out)

Look! Up in the sky!

It’s a bird!

It’s a plane!!

It’s a secret chancellor candidate!!!

(*cue theme music*)

I guess since it has been said that the faculty and staff at UNCG are looking for a superhero in the next chancellor that it only makes sense that they have a secret alter ego. Maybe they come to UNCG in the uniform of a groundskeeper but then, the call goes out, (alarm blaring: woooooohaaa woooooohaaaa)

Could groundskeeper Willie be our
next leader??

It’s an…emergency executive brunch!

Suddenly, the mild mannered, glasses wearing groundskeeper dashes into the handicapped stall and changes into:

The Chancellor (dynamic music).

Who is it? It could be anybody! Well, not really anybody. I mean, they probably won’t ever have been connected with UNCG before. And they will surely have done something magnificent to deserve the $100k raise over Brady’s pay. And they can fly.

But most importantly, they have courage! The courage to hide their identity …and…and…

Did I mention they can fly?

Never fear! Surely, by doing exactly the same thing that we did last time, we will have completely different results this time. I don’t see why we wouldn’t. Isn’t that one of the primary things that faculty have learned from doing research? Same method = different results. Or something like that, I wasn’t really paying attention the last time they explained it to me. It’s hard to listen when they keep going on and on and on about ‘transparency’ and ‘deep wounds to the UNCG community’. I mean, really.

Where was I?

Oh yes – With the speed of an interoffice memo requiring three levels of signatures for approval, The Secret Chancellor is on the scene. And little Timmy is rescued from the well.

Unfortunately, the budget was also cut by 4%...but Timmy, look! He’s out of the well.

Oh no.

Oops.

The Chancellor’s Sidekick “The Zink” has mistaken Timmy for an enemy because of his grubby face and ‘urban’ clothing and is pelting him with gift baskets.

Oh well. They tried and that’s what really counts right? Besides, Timmy was asking for it. And they didn’t do it. And it wasn’t their fault.

And so, another peaceful day on UNCG’s campus draws to a close as The Chancellor once again dons the uniform of an ordinary groundskeeper and The Zink wanders off, looking confused, to hand address envelopes.

All is quiet once again. Or is it?? (ominous music leading to credits)

Stay tuned folks, next week we’ll watch The Chancellor handle the thin line between technically correct and The Outright Lie!

(all resemblances to people living or dead is simply bizarre.)