Dear faculty, staff and students,
As we all struggle together to determine ways for UNCG to thrive in these times of continued budget shortfalls, my staff and I have worked hard to develop the following new policies.
1. Employees will be charged for units of heat absorbed by their bodies (or conversely for the units of air that have to be cooled given the heat they radiate) in any and all campus buildings they occupy during working hours. Just because you work here doesn't mean that the air temperature has to be modulated for free!
2. Henceforth all UNCG employees must supply their own toilet paper. After all, that's the most personal business that I can think of and, frankly, you should have thought of that before you left for work.
3. Departments will now need to pay for any capital letters they wish to use in printed materials as these letters require more ink and therefore cost the university money. This goes for any frivolous punctuation such as the semi-colon and the asterisk.*
4. Employees are not to use the letters U, N, C, or G after working hours, especially not for personal business which would be in direct conflict then to the interests of the university. That's our name, don't wear it out.
5. Electron offset forms must be filled out for any content sent via email that is not directly work related. Employee paychecks will be deducted for electron overage on a month to month basis.
6. No employee may use trash or recycling receptacles at work for personal refuse. Carry your lunch wrapper home with you. In fact, don't eat lunch unless you plan on deducting it from your vacation time.
7. Due to budget cuts, each department will now only be allowed one keyboard.
8. There will be no more self parking on campus. All parking will now be valet to be overseen by the new Vice Assistant Associate Chancellor of Parking. Remember to tip.
9. Should a member of the upper administration be confronted by a puddle or other daunting obstacle, the closest staff member should use their body as a bridge to shield the executive from the emotional stress of having to overcome the egregious difficulty.
10. All campus mail will be C.O.D.
11. No desk or work area may have more than one photo of a child or loved one. This will be overseen by the Director of Visual Representations, who is directly under the Vice Chancellor for Familial Management and External Relationships. And for God's sake, don't print the photo on the campus printer...which brings us to number 12...
12. Staff across campus will now share one printer. It is currently out of toner and you must supply your own paper and electrical current.
13. The Associate Sub Vice Chancellor for Writing Implements will be the primary billing agent for any pencil sharpening requests. Yes, you will be billed for the requests. There will be no actual pencil sharpening.
14. All requests for necessary office supplies must be filled out five years in advance via a form that is indicated by a broken link on the UNCG website.
15. Rather than offering all of these different 'sections' of 'courses' in 'majors' across campus, all students will now be enrolled in a single section offered once at the beginning of the semester. Faculty will be reduced to, approximately, one grossly underpaid adjunct.
16. Human Resources will be outsourced to Albania. All contact must be made by mail and will be returned unopened.
17. To reduce the costs associated with data management, all employee email will now be archived for no longer than 30 seconds.
18. Anyone with a last name longer than five letters will have an overage surcharge deducted from their pay.
19. Faculty and Staff senate meetings will be replaced with 'Donations Hour' allowing members who attend to leave the room only after emptying their pockets, wallets, and purses.
20. Christmas is cancelled.
Thank you for all you do for UNCG!
Sincerely,
Linda P. Brady
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*Administrative asterisks excepting.
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